I wanted to elaborate on my insensitivity. I am by no means insensitive. Especially considering I have the gift of empathy. I can feel people's sadness, pain, joy, and yes...sometimes tickles. I know, sounds weird, but it's one of the many gifts that God has blessed me and a lot of people with.
Yesterday Trav and I were alone, driving to the bank, and talking about his friend that is dying from colon cancer. Travis had made a statement on facebook that his "problems" seemed smaller than others because of this fact. I was seriously processing the conversation, taking it all in. When I said "Death isn't the problem". I didn't mean it like it sounded (insert foot here), I was seriously thinking about the process of death. I watched it first hand. Made me think of Dad, and I was getting to the sympathy part of the conversation, but I was beginning to think of solutions, and asked Trav: "Has he tried this. Has he tried that?" In my mind there is always a solution, and I am always looking for one, even up til the very last second. So Trav looks at me and states that I'm being insensitive, and is very put out.
I took offense to that, I made a couple remarks, secretly began to cry, but let it go immediately. I had felt that because I hadn't processed everything in, and evaluated what I wanted to say, I wouldn't be able to explain myself A.); and B.) If I was overly sincere at the time, Trav may think I was being phony. I didn't want him to think I was being insincere in any way. More importantly he was clearly upset, and I knew if I made this discussion in any way about me it would be selfish. He is obviously very hurt and is confiding in me; with that said I should be able to take all emotions coming out of this so that eventually he will be able to rationalize and process what he is thinking and feeling. Thus leading to healing.
Later on that night I finally got to explain why I feel death isn't the problem, and what I had meant by what I said. To me there are three types of deaths. First off is death from a sickness or years of captivity; take martyrs. Yes the death hurts, but we know that it's coming, or that it is inevitable.
Second is a tragic death. Someone we love dies in a car accident. We get the feelings of "WOW there is so much I would have said if I had know this person was going to die". It's more of a shocker with a feeling of lost time. There isn't any preparation, unless you took the proper steps to plan ahead.
The third type of death I believe is the darkest and cruelest form. The Ungodly. An example is a child is kidnapped, found raped, beaten, and the corpse has been badly abused. Who on Earth would do such a thing? This kind of death can leave us questioning our faith; either leading us away from God, or oddly enough drawing us closer.
This is how I look at death. It's not that I do not have sympathy. I do. Death hurts period. I've seen parents look to God and praise him. They are proud their son or daughter is in heaven. I've seen husbands and wives fall apart and disclaim faith, and do not want to be social to people. I guess I look at how someone has died, or is dying. That is how I process death and it better helps me understand what emotions people are going through, and what process, if any are they in.
When I explained this to him he seemed to understand where I was coming from, and I was able to better be there for him. My sympathy had not left, and I felt his confusion, and his sympathy for his friend. It is amazing to see Travis have emotions like this after such a long time of being almost Zombie like, and not being able to handle his emotions. So he shut them out. I would be insensitive if I didn't let him feel what he was feeling; even if I inadvertently hurt his feelings, and he lashed out a bit.
I know in my experience of watching Dad's whole death process changed my life forever. It was like the Grim Reaper was there with us. Standing next to him at his bed, in the car with us, next to chemo chair, in the radiation room. For me Death was an entity. Death brought me closer to the Lord, and made me realize there is nothing to fear about Death. When it's your time Death will be there to take you.
In that being said I also believe that the will to live, our spirit is so strong. Before my Dad took his final breath my Dad fought. Hospice gave him so much morphine to put a bull to rest, but he was still adamant about coming home with the kids and I. It wasn't until he gave in did he finally calm down enough to be at peace, and allow his body to die. As sad as it was it was still beautiful, and I saw a relationship with Death that not too many people get to experience.
Am I sad for what people go through? Yes very very much. I guess the point I'm getting at is that I may be desensitized, but I'm not insensitive at all. I believe I am desensitized enough to understand the relationship between life and death, and to help other's deal with their mourning process. When it comes to others, and how they feel, you cannot and should not ever make this about you. It's not fair, and it's not right. Being objective and listening to what they have to say is the most compassionate way to be.
I told Trav I was sorry his friend was dying, and asked him how he felt knowing he may never see him again in the realm. This gave him time to think about what he was feeling, and the opportunity to talk it out. I believe we connected more, and I feel like I was effective in helping him cope with this cruel reality that his friend is dying, and he may never see him again. His friend is a young father and a young husband. Trav played basket ball with him as a kid. They were kids growing up together and they are very close in age. Of course this is going to upset Travis, and of course this is going to hit home, and force Travis to evaluate questions he may now have for himself!
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